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Why do women stay?
This is probably the most common question about domestic violence, but it suggests that a woman has a choice between something bad, a man abusing her, and something good which would be the end of his abuse. In reality when a man chooses to abuse a woman she must figure out the lesser of evils. She can stay with the abuser under conditions she knows to be horrible or attempt to leave and risk unknown evils. 75% of women killed by their partners are murdered when they attempt to leave or after they have left. One-half of the homeless population is women and children who left an abuser. Accordingly to leave risks serious problems over safety, finances, family support, breaking up a family and a host of other problems caused by tactics an abuser uses to maintain control over his partner. The woman is the expert about his abuse and is best able to figure out how to protect herself and her children. The question, however, should not be why she stays, but why would he choose to abuse her.
Why do men abuse their partners?
Men have grown up in a society where they have learned that they have a male privilege over women. Many have seen examples of men mistreating women without any consequences to the man. Behavior and information received from family, friends, the media and elsewhere supports men's sense of entitlement. The physical abuse that men use is just one of many tactics used by men to maintain control over their partners. Abusers feel entitled to get their own way and therefore justified in using tactics of abuse.
Isn't much of the abuse caused by drugs and alcohol?
This is a common myth and in fact part of the reason for the temperance movement was the belief that eliminating alcohol would stop men from assaulting their wives. In fact substance abuse is a separate problem from domestic violence. Many men with substance abuse problems never assault their partners. Sometimes men may drink to get the "courage" to assault their partners and in fact assaults are often more severe when committed by a man on drugs or alcohol. It is dangerous to believe that an abusive man will become safe by ending his substance abuse. He will still have the belief that he is entitled to get his way by using various control tactics.
Is domestic violence caused by mental health problems?
No. Studies show that men who have been convicted of dv crimes have the same rate of mental illness as the general population. We would like to believe that men who commit horrible crimes against their partners must somehow be crazy. If you read newspaper stories about such crimes, however, inevitably at the end of the article will appear quotes from friends or co-workers talking about how easy-going, kind and helpful he was. Although there are mentally ill men who commit crimes against their partners, this is a very small percentage of such crimes. Some courts still make the mistake of using counseling or anger management to respond to domestic violence crimes. Not only does this not work, but it sends a message that the man is not responsible for his behavior because it was caused by a mental or emotional problem.
Is domestic violence increasing or decreasing?
This is a difficult question because domestic violence is the most under-reported crime. Accordingly an increase in reports of domestic violence can come from an atmosphere that improves the chances of dv crimes being reported as well as an increase in the number of such crimes. In the mid to late 1970s when society first learned that domestic violence is so widespread, the response was to blame women, send them for therapy or make suggestions how they could change their behavior so they would not be abused. We know this approach did not work because there was no change in the number of men killing or seriously injuring their partners. In the 1980s and into the early 90s society tried an approach of blaming both parties. Cases involving domestic violence crimes were sent to Family courts where reconciliation was the object. Often the parties were sent for couples counseling based on the idea that this was a relationship or communication problem. Again we know this approach did not work because there was no decrease in the number of men killing or seriously injuring their partners. Starting approximately in the mid 1990s more and more communities started to hold men accountable for their crimes. This has resulted in a significant reduction of murder and emergency visits caused by domestic violence crimes. Some communities have even stopped domestic violence homicides by aggressively enforcing laws designed to protect victims of domestic violence. These changes have not been uniform and there are certainly many people, including judges, who still seek to blame the victim or to blame the relationship instead of holding the offender accountable. Nevertheless, it is fair to say that as society makes more efforts to hold men accountable for their crimes there has been a reduction in domestic violence. There is, however, still a long way to go.
How can we end domestic violence?
The criminal justice system certainly has an important role in ending domestic violence, but they cannot be successful unless all the other communities do their part. Other communities would include communities based on ethnicity, geography, religion and employment. The education community needs not just to teach about domestic violence but to provide an example of treating women and girls respectfully. The media needs not only to pay attention to domestic violence issues, but to stop portraying women as objects. The religious community not only needs to support victims of domestic violence, but stop pressuring women to return to abusers. Family and friends need to get the message to men that abuse is not acceptable and is not a private matter. Only when all the different communities do their share will domestic violence be ended.
What are some of the legal tactics that abusers use?
Abusers seek custody as a way to maintain control over their victim. They seek joint custody to maintain control or trade for financial considerations. Abusers use visitation exchanges to continue their abuse. They hide income and assets to maintain control and punish women for leaving. They seek mutual orders of protection to nullify an order obtained by a woman. They create myths that women often make up false allegations of abuse and particularly sexual abuse to discourage courts from taking their abuse seriously. They use their superior resources to hire better, more aggressive attorneys to help win court cases. Abusers often use false allegations to distract attention from their own abuse. Judges need to be aware of these abuser tactics and prevent them from working.
What fact about domestic violence would you most want people to know?
It is not surprising that children who are directly abused would often develop a variety of dysfunctional behaviors such as substance abuse, suicide, crime, drop-out, prostitution, pregnancy and smoking. Children who witness or are aware of their mother being abused by their father (or the mother's new partner) are just as likely to develop such dysfunctional behavior. In other words, domestic violence is another form of child abuse and should be treated accordingly.