DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SHELTERS AND AGENCIES
POLICE
LAWYERS
THERAPISTS
FAMILY AND FRIENDS
OTHER VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Domestic Violence Shelters and Agencies--The average abused wife makes seven attempts to leave before finally getting away from her husband. Each time she finds more information about the resources available to her in the process of leaving. The best place to find this information is the local battered women's shelter. Sometimes women think that if they don't intend to stay at the shelter there is no reason to contact such an agency. Shelters often provide many other useful services such as support groups; accompanying women to court; legal services; and advocacy before various agencies. Also important is that workers at shelters are familiar with the problems women face when leaving an abuser and can provide information for dealing with the court system; police; mental health professionals; child protection offices; welfare and many other agencies. Much of this information is also available in the book SCARED TO LEAVE AFRAID TO STAY, Paths From Family Violence to Safety.
back to menu
back to menu
Police--There has been a significant change and improvement in the training and role of the police in the past thirty years. Some departments take domestic violence more seriously then others, and those that do help reduce the number of crimes and particularly murders. Often there is a big difference between the responses of different police officers in the same department. If one officer is hostile or unhelpful, don't be afraid to approach a different officer or a higher ranking official. If you are expecting trouble from an abuser, one good strategy is to touch base with the police, let them know your concerns and learn beforehand how they are likely to respond. Battered women often tend to minimize what the abuser did or his responsibility. This makes it harder for police to do their job. Women should describe factually what the abuser did and express what their fears are. The police should then take responsibility for protecting the woman. Keep in mind that a criminal case is not the victim vs. the abuser, but rather the state vs. the abuser. When a man chooses to abuse his partner he is hurting everybody and not just his partner.
back to menu
Lawyers--Not many lawyers have the experience and training to help victims of domestic violence. Too many lawyers make things worse with excessive fee requests and a lack of sensitivity about what a woman is going through. Local domestic violence agencies and shelters are a good source of referrals. They know which lawyers are familiar with domestic violence and will work supportively with victims of abuse. A lawyer is supposed to work for the client and the client directs the overall strategy. It is important that you pick a lawyer you are comfortable with particularly since you will be discussing very sensitive issues.
back to menu
Therapists--Therapy is particularly important for victims of domestic violence including children who have suffered from the abuse either as witnesses or participants. The prognosis for children who have been sexually abused is good if they have good therapy, but very poor without such help. Children use various defensive strategies to overcome abuse, not all of which involves acting out. If children have been subject to abuse or suffered the abuse of seeing their mother abused, they should be given the opportunity to speak with a qualified therapist. Until five or ten years ago most therapists could complete their studies without training about domestic violence. Inevitably when they started treating patients they would meet victims of abuse and attempt to treat them with general psychological principles. Usually the therapists would get it wrong, but not knowing of their mistakes would gradually become experts (at getting it wrong). Again, battered women's shelters are a good source for recommendations of therapists who understand domestic violence issues.
back to menu
Family and Friends--Too often people assume that a woman must be stupid if she stays with an abuser. In fact she is the expert because she knows more about his behavior and the danger he presents. She needs to use her expertise to figure out the best way to protect herself and her children. Family and friends need to be supportive and available, but not judgmental. There may be times when she attempts to leave, but goes back to her abuser. They should not blame or criticize her, but remain available when she needs them.
back to menu
Other Victims of Domestic Violence--One of the best parts of my work is when an older client helps a newer client and they both benefit. The newer client receives friendship, support and information about a lot of the problems involved in leaving an abuser. The older client is empowered by being able to help someone else overcome the abuser's tactics. Often women blame themselves for the abuser's behavior, but when they see the same type of behavior done to another woman they can understand she didn't do anything wrong. It is helpful for women to see they are not alone and that the problems were solely caused by the abuser.
back to menu
